Brett, I believe you said after class last week that you hadn't read a lot of contemporary poetry, but what struck me about this draft was the amazingly poetic language. Phrases like "flat panel plasmas of the bored middle class," "Circle City's crosshairs of class," "Indiana's proud blue nipple on a red conservative breast," and the entire listing following "Indy's circle stands for..." belie a great ear for poetic phrasings, techniques, and unexpected imagery. Especially the second section seemed to fall into more of a poetic cadence.
What I would like to see a little more of here, however, would be more personal details. Here you have a lot of reportage, but you hint at the apartment being your favorite, "shady deals" you've witnessed, the neighbors, and you letting out your friend's dog. These details, however, are limited. It could be interesting to hear more of why the apartment is your favorite, the specific memories there that seem to stand out in your mind. Or to hear some specifics about the "shady deals" you see. The factual details about the city and its layout are interesting and could be architectural to the piece, but could also be very interesting when juxtaposed with the more human and personal details I'm sure you could provide in later drafts.
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ReplyDeleteYes, I think your advice is sound here. In Gutkind's taxonomy, "reflection" is what's largely absent. We want to see the writer work out the importance of these reported events. It's the "examined life" that we're after. Still, Brett--and the entire class, really--does a great job of rendering that life such that it's worth examining. We see clearly what is readied for inspection. Now we just need to move to the analysis.
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